In the last blog post, we talked about The Art of an Apology which involves 10 words - I’m sorry. I was wrong. Will you please forgive me?
But to get to true reconciliation one needs to humble themselves and get at the real crux of the problem. To do this we also need to ask “Is there anything else that I need to ask for forgiveness for?” This is the most impactful way to move towards reconciliation that I know of.
We so often forget this part of the equation but the most important part for true healing of a long-term relationship is to ask, “Is there anything else that I need to ask for forgiveness for?” So often, I have found that the part that is easily spoken about is quickly spoken, BUT there is often times an underlying grievance that is festering away. This is the key component of working thru true forgiveness and making amends. Usually after I ask if there is anything else I need to ask for forgiveness for? It ends up being for something I did not even realize I had done - but that took place in such an egregious way that it is breaking away at true transparency and intimacy.
Often times this is where our true congruence comes together as we match our verbiage with the nonverbal parts of the apology including our tone of voice, eye contact, and body language.
Lastly, Don’t be a “BUT”
When you are working to get these 22 difficult words out, there’s one word you absolutely must NOT use, ” BUT” (or you will defeat all of your hard work).
The word “but.” As in “I’m sorry, but…” You might not even intend to blame shift here. You might be trying to call attention to some extenuating circumstance that in the normal course of things would matter.
That’s not how it will be heard by the offended party in the moment, so do not do that if you want to heal the issue. If your goal is to make things right, then do yourself a huge favor and stick to the script.
The negative consequences of refusing to forgive Forgiveness leads to healing from
someone leads to such emotional pain as: previous hurts and pain.
· Anger
· Hate
· Bitterness
· Sadness
· Depression
· Anxiety
· Resentment
· Heart Disease
Who does this harm? Who does this help?
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